Are We Supporting the Young Person in Front of Us or the Teenager We Remember Being?
- Adam
- Aug 19
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 21
When a young person tells us they are struggling, many adults naturally think back to their own childhood.
“I went through the same thing.”
“We didn’t have support when I was young.”
“My parents would never have allowed that.”
“I had to get on with it.”
These responses do not always come from a lack of care. Often, we are trying to connect, reassure or share something we learned through our own experiences.
Our past can help us recognise pain. It can make us more understanding and remind a young person that difficult periods can pass.
However, personal experience can also create assumptions. We may believe we understand what a young person is experiencing because we remember something that appears similar. But are we responding to the young person in front of us, or to the teenager we remember being?
Similar does not mean the same
A parent may remember being bullied at school. A teacher may remember struggling with confidence. A youth worker may remember feeling excluded by friends.
Those memories have value, but the circumstances may now be very different. A disagreement between friends can continue through several group chats after school. An embarrassing moment can be recorded and shared. A young person comparing themselves with classmates can now also compare themselves with thousands of people online. The emotion may be familiar, but its reach, speed and visibility have changed.
Saying, “I experienced something similar,” may create a connection.
Saying, “I experienced that too, so I know exactly how you feel,” can unintentionally close the conversation.
Perhaps a more honest response would be:
“I remember experiencing something similar, but I know it may be different for you.”
This allows our experience to enter the conversation without taking it over.
When reassurance feels like dismissal
Adults often want to reduce a young person’s worry.
“You won’t care about this in a few years.”
“It’s not as bad as it feels.”
“Everyone goes through it.”
The intention may be reassurance, but the young person may hear:
“You are overreacting.”
“This is not important.”
“You should be able to cope.”
An issue does not have to remain important forever to be important now. A friendship ending may not appear serious when viewed across an entire lifetime. At 13, that friendship might represent belonging, identity and the person they trusted most. Our role is not to agree with every conclusion a young person reaches. It is to understand why the situation feels significant before offering advice.
“We didn’t have support when we were young”
This statement is sometimes used to question why young people appear to need more support today.
Previous generations also experienced distress, bullying, loneliness, family difficulties and uncertainty. The absence of support did not necessarily mean there was no need for it.
Some adults developed healthy ways of coping. Others learned to hide their feelings, avoid asking for help or carry unresolved experiences into adulthood. Surviving an experience does not always mean the response to it was helpful.
It may be worth reflecting:
Did that experience genuinely make me stronger?
Did I receive support, even if I did not recognise it as support at the time?
Did I cope well, or did I simply stay quiet?
Am I sharing something that helped me, or repeating what was expected of me?
This is not about blaming previous generations. Parents, carers, teachers and communities often responded using the knowledge and resources available to them. But we are allowed to learn more and respond differently now.
When we make ourselves the standard
There is a difference between sharing our experience and making ourselves the example a young person must follow.
“I managed it, so you can too.”
“I would never have behaved like that.”
“At your age, I had much more responsibility.”
These comparisons rarely consider differences in personality, development, additional needs, family circumstances or available support.
Two young people can experience the same event and respond very differently. One may want to talk immediately. Another may need time. One may recover quickly, while another experiences the situation as frightening or humiliating. Neither response automatically shows strength or weakness. Effective support begins with understanding the individual, not measuring them against someone else’s childhood.
Memory can soften the past
As adults, we remember the outcome of our teenage problems. We know now that the friendship eventually ended, the exam did not determine our entire future or the embarrassing moment was eventually forgotten. A young person does not have that hindsight. They are still living through the uncertain part. This can create a gap between what the adult knows and what the young person feels.
Instead of saying,
“It will be fine,”
we might say:
“I can understand why this feels uncertain.Let’s think about what might help you through the next part.”
We cannot always promise that everything will be fine. We can show that the young person will not have to face it alone.
Listening does not remove adult responsibility
Listening to young people does not mean abandoning boundaries, guidance or adult responsibility.
Young people still need adults who are willing to make difficult decisions, particularly when safety is involved.
The difference is whether we begin with a conclusion or with curiosity.
We can share our experience without allowing it to dominate:
“Something similar happened to me, but I want to understand what it has been like for you.”
“We had different pressures when I was your age. What do you think adults find difficult to understand now?”
“I may not fully understand the platform, but I want to understand what happened.”
There is no perfect set of words. Tone, timing, trust and the relationship we have built will always matter more than a carefully prepared question.
A final reflection
Our own childhood can help us understand young people, but it should not become the standard we measure them against. Before saying, “When I was your age,” we should ask whether our experience will help them feel understood or make them feel compared.
Young people do not need us to have every answer. They need us to listen, remain open and recognise that their world may be different from the one we remember.
Our past can guide the conversation. It should not speak louder than the young person in front of us.
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