Begin with conversation, not questioning

Sometimes it helps to talk while doing something else, such as walking, cooking, travelling or watching television. Sitting directly opposite a young person and repeatedly asking questions can feel like an interview. A conversation might begin with an observation:

“People your age seem to have a lot more pressure now than when I was younger.

“Social media must be difficult sometimes. You never really get a break from everybody.”

“I remember finding friendships confusing at your age.”

“You don’t have to talk about anything, but I’m always here if you want to.”

You could also respond naturally to something happening in a programme, television show or news story:

“How do you think someone your age would deal with that?”

“Do you think young people find it easy to speak to adults?”

“What do you think adults usually get wrong?”

These conversations allow a young person to share their opinion without feeling that the attention is suddenly on them.

They might talk about “someone at school” or describe what they believe another young person would feel. This may simply be an opinion, or it could be a safer way of talking about something personal.

There is no need to immediately challenge them or ask, “Is this happening to you?” Listen and allow them to lead.

What might adults be unaware of?

Some young people are experiencing situations their parents, carers or teachers know nothing about. These can include bullying, harmful online content, self-harm, pressure to share intimate images, grooming, controlling relationships or difficulties involving food and body image.

Ofcom found that nearly three-quarters of young people aged 11–17 had seen harmful content online. Much of it appeared while they were simply scrolling through their personalised feeds.

A young person can be physically safe at home while dealing with something upsetting through their phone.

They may stay quiet because they feel embarrassed, fear being blamed or worry that adults will immediately remove their devices and take control of the situation.

This is why young people need to hear reassuring messages before a problem arises:

“If you ever make a mistake online, you can still come to me.”

“If somebody makes you uncomfortable, it will not be your fault.”

“I might be worried, but I will listen before I react.”

“You won’t be punished for asking for help.”

These messages build trust without putting a young person under pressure.

Notice without assuming

Changes in mood, sleep, eating, friendships, school attendance or phone use may suggest that a young person needs additional support. However, one change does not prove that something serious is happening.

Notice the change without making an accusation:

“You haven’t seemed quite yourself lately. There is no pressure to explain, but I’m here.”

Then give them time.

A young person may not speak during that conversation. They may return hours, days or even weeks later. What matters is that they know the door remains open.

At UPWARDS START, we believe meaningful conversations cannot be forced. Trust is built through everyday moments, calm responses and showing young people that they will still be respected when a conversation becomes difficult.

Sometimes “I’m fine” means exactly that.

Sometimes it means, “I’m not ready to tell you yet.”

Our role is to make sure they know they can return when they are.

Sources: Ofcom research into children’s online experiences⁠ and NHS advice for parents worried about a teenager⁠.

Young people can contact Childline⁠ free and confidentially on 0800 1111. If someone is in immediate danger, call 999.